Two major fears frequently show up in relationships: the fear of abandonment or loss of partner and the fear of engulfment or loss of self. Ironically, we tend to choose a partner with the opposite fear. Often people with abandonment issues will choose partners who have engulfment issues. And so the dance begins, with one pursuing and the other withdrawing. Overcoming Fear In Relationships.
When our buttons are pushed and our fears bubble to the top, we tend to try to protect ourselves by attempting to control our partner’s behavior. We think that if our partner would just be sensitive to our needs and either give us the space or the closeness that we need then we would be happy. In reality, our partner cannot ever completely satisfy our needs, especially if their needs are in conflict with our own.
The trick is to acknowledge and allow our selves to feel the fear. When we can accept and even welcome our feelings, we can begin to look behind the fear to learn more about ourselves. Chances are these fears are related to experiences from our early life.
We have developed a pattern of relating to others that we hope will protect us from experiencing the repetition of past hurts. The truth is that we will continue to re-experience past hurts, until we heal what is inside of us.
We cannot possibly arrange the outside world to constantly meet our needs. We must learn to meet those needs for our self. As we do we can begin to give our self the gift of peace. We can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with closeness without feeling like we will lose our self. Or we can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with absence without feeling abandoned.
It is important to take complete responsibility for meeting our own needs and learn to completely love and accept our selves. The more love and acceptance we have for our selves the less fearful we will be.
Photo credit: (Pixabay)
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